Yeah Ok This Week...

im writing this part on the 12th, my preparation day. Sorry its all negative, mostly.

 

 

I am not doin well this week. I am writing this on Friday the 7th, and man have the past few days been hard! People in my district make jokes about "people dying" or "wanting to die" or "wanting to kill someone" every. Day. All I can think about is Andrea and Grandpa and I have been STRUGGLING, trying not to cry consistently throughout the day. Everything was just building up. There are a few hermanas who I really dont get respect from and honestly sometimes(a lot of the time) forget they are representitives of Jesus Christ. So yeah thats hard. No respect + missionaries?? To top it off, at dinner tonight one of the elders who is usually talkative sat at the end of a table tonight away from everyone else and didnt talk. Immediately 3 people asled him if he was ok and an hermana texted him privately to see if he was ok. Yeah, I feel so invisable in my district pretty much all the time. I am trying to be positive around everyone and not dump all my sadness on my companion but it is so hard! Life keeps moving and you either run with it or get left behind. Right now I am feeling like I got left behind WEEKS ago. Oh and I ended up breaking down during dinner. I put my dishes away and went to bathroom and CRIED. then me and Hermana Bennett went on a walk for awhile instead of going to class cause I was not doin ok.

 

Soo I am writing this part on Sunday the 9th.. yesterday we had a district scripture study. All of us except one companionship sat close together. I made a comment about how they should sit with us and one of the hermanas said "I just dont understand why we have to be the ones to move".. I am REALLY trying to see her as the Lord sees her. I am not sure why it is such a struggle for me right now. Alsooo my companion is not doing great right now and so we found the doctor today and if she isnt feeling better by tomorrow morning we are gonna go outside the walls of the CCM and get her an ultrasound. The district was so worried about her and so willing to help! So im not sure if they just think im ok all the time or what. I know this is so selfish and typing it out I feel awful. I know Christ and God sees my struggles and he knows what I am going through. I am having these challenges because God is helping me learn to turn outward like Christ. UGH I NEED TO LET GO AND LET GOD JUST DO HIS PLAN.

 

Ok. Yeah this week was definitely not for me. This morning I was going to call you to rant about stuff and just talk cause I wont have a ton of time after the temple. I told hermana bennett what I wanted to do and she said it sounded good. After breakfast we checked our clothes, went back to our apartment and cleaned our room and the bathroom. We finished at 8:20(in 20 minutes! Fast.) We went down to grabbed our clothes and she couldnt find her garments. We looked through all of the washers and dryers and she finally found them in a dryer with someone elses stuff. She got super mad and I just sat on a couch cause I wanted to call you before we left at 9:05 but it was 8:40 at that point. She shared how mad she was about it and I kust stayed silent cause I was pretty mad too but for a different reason. We got back to our apartment and folded our clothes and then since she got the password to some secret wifi to our apartment, SHE CALLED HER MOM. i was so mad, on the verge of tears, HOLDING MY MOUTH SHUT not saying anything because life is not fair. She ended up having to get an ultrasound and we went to the CCM doctor to hear what happened. She found out nothing was wrong internally(yay, right?). We walked out and she said she felt like her pain was invalidated by the doctor just cause nothings wrong. Her mom called her after cause nothing was wrong?? I dont know. Im mad, trying to feel Gods love for her. At 9 I walked out the door and asked her if she was ready. I just started walking to the bus. I have been STRUGGLING SO MUCH. I have been waiting all week to call you and I gotta wait justttt 7 more hours. Also, i didnt use the secret wifi because I am trying to be 100% obedient. I am trying so hard tp be patient and kind and loving like god and jesus christ are. I have a feeling that this is how every week is going to be, so i just need to buckle up and pray ALL THE TIME.  Also there is this guy in my district who thought his girlfriend dear john-ed him yesterday and he was crying all morning shaking and physically ill because he was so sad. Later we found out she didnt actually dear john him and he got so much happier. All the girls talked crap about this elder when we went back to our apartment and how they were pissed at him for "missing 4 hours of class and getting our sympathy". I got really mad at that too because I still felt awful for him. His pain was still so real that morning, he wasnt faking it. But all the other girls in my apartment and district were peeved and annoyed at him so i just didnt say anything.

 

A girl in my district started eating candy during the endowment session and an elder wouldnt stop talking while we were waiting in the chapel. I still didnt say anything cause im trying to be patient. After the sealings my district was like " we better have time to take pictures cause this is our last time here" even though our teacher told us we would probably be going next week. I said we porbably wouldnt have time for pictures cause we had to get on the bus and my comp said "i dont care if we dont have time carden you are taking my picture". I just dont feel respected at this point... and i tell my district stuff about our schedule and etc and then they dont acknowledge me and just ask someone else in the district. It bothers me so much. I feel so invisible here, that is why I am ready to leave and that is why I will not miss it.